WARNING: Nothing To Do With Yoga!

Everyone has to have a few healthy obsessions. Besides yoga, infomercials and warning labels bring me endless joy. Here is a picture of my paper shredder. You can see the slot where the paper is inserted. You can also see the warning labels to the left.



Just in case you think your eyes might be playing tricks on you, I’ll spell them out:

1. A paperclip
2. An entire human hand
3. An aerosol spray can
4. A man’s necktie
5. A lady’s ponytail
6. A whole baby

Notwithstanding the fact that only 3 of these things would actually fit into the slot, I’d like to address each of them at a time.

1. The paperclip. Okay, I get this. The shredder can handle up to 6 sheets of paper at a time. It’s highly likely that I could forget there is a paperclip around several of them, in which case, the lightning pictured above the exclamation point will surely (and viciously) stream down and knock me unconscious. Crumb.

2. The entire human hand. I can’t tell you how often I feel like getting a manicure, but I just don’t have the time for it. I’ve dreamt of being able to just stick the tips of my fingers into the shredder, oh so delicately, for a beautiful salon quality pair of hands. I wouldn’t even have to worry about the nail clippings dropping onto the floor! But, no, the makers of this shredder will have none of that. Bummer.

3. An aerosol spray can. See, I just think this one is a mistake. Somewhere on the assembly line, this product must have become tangled up with some of those airport charts where they show you what items are forbidden on a plane. Much like you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, you also cannot fit a round metal can into a tiny little sliver of a paper slot. So, how would this even be possible? Now, it could be that this is a warning not to spray any substances into the shredder from an aerosol can. If this is the case, then I’m gravely disappointed. What if I want to spray paint little stencils and cutesy designs on my documents after I’ve already shredded them? Additionally, I might want to drip hairspray down into my paper spaghetti mixture just to see what kinds of shapes will form. Denied.

4. The man’s necktie. Gentlemen, how many times have you purchased a necktie only to realize later that it’s too long? It isn’t always convenient to take it back to the store for another one. If only you could just give it a snip in your paper shredder! Think of the time you would save. And, your tie would have that already-worn sort of jagged look on the bottom – like fringe. Obviously, this is a conspiracy by the people who make scissors. Dang.

5. The lady’s ponytail. I could save another trip to the salon if only I could just pull my hair back into a ponytail, turn my head around 180 degrees, and just sort of lean ever so slightly backwards so that my tail dangles down into the shredder. The money I would save! The peace of mind! And this strikes me as even more peculiar -- why would a label warn against having a ponytail around a device such as this? It seems like, if anything, the ponytail should be encouraged to keep pesky long hair from dangling down like tinsel into the shredder as one leans curiously forward to watch the machine mutilate documents. Drat.

6. The whole baby. What?!?!?! Are there people on this planet who really need to be warned that it’s bad to stick a baby down a paper shredder?!?!?!?! I’m going to assume this one means to keep babies away from the paper shredder, which I think, is a good idea. Children should not be allowed near anything that has warning labels even the adults can’t wrap their brains around. Duh.