This Will Make Your Hair Curl.

Have you ever struggled to understand why an event has occurred in your life that you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself? Events of the unfortunate nature have many labels: accidents, tragedies, mishaps, mess-ups, bad things. Let’s face it, an entire bumper sticker industry has thrived off of these very incidents – how could anyone forget the famous “Sh*t Happens” sticker that so tastefully adorns many a classy bumper.

My mother recently questioned why she needed to be implanted with a pacemaker. Naturally my father and I questioned this same thing as we took her to the hospital for what we thought would be a routine, uneventful exploration of why, as she put it, “the curtains came down” on her. In case you’re wondering, my mother is not a stage actress, she was colorfully describing a blackout she experienced. At any rate, none of us planned on leaving the hospital with a pacemaker that day but, indeed, one of us surely did.

As anyone who has experienced a change in medical condition or physical health understands, it isn’t easy to accept getting older, seeing ourselves as aging, or noticing that we just can’t do the same things we could when we were younger. My mother spent some time adapting to having this new contraption affixed to one of her major organs and I, always the dutiful daughter, did my best to help.

We were having lunch one day when my mother asked, “Have you noticed how curly my hair looks today?”

“Yes,” I replied. “Did you style it differently?”

“Well, I just sort of noticed it was curly and I let it dry by itself. Whaddya know? I always hated my thin, straight hair and I like it curly.”

Yogi Bhajan once said, “If you can’t see God in all, you can’t see God at all.” I translate this to mean, “If you can’t see the good in all, you can’t see the good at all.” Or, “If you can’t see the greater meaning in all, you can’t see the greater meaning at all.”

I meditated on this beautiful sentiment as I replied very matter-of-factly, “You know what I think? I think it’s the pacemaker.”

Intrigued, my mother leaned in, “Really?”

“Oh yeah,” I continued. “Your hair was straight before the pacemaker and now it’s curly after the pacemaker. It’s the only thing that makes sense. What other explanation is there?”

I mean, when you think about it, if not A, then not B and if then A, then B. I used logic, plain and simple.

Excitedly, she asked, “Well, how do you think it works?”

“Well,” I began, “the pacemaker is hooked up to your electrical system in your heart and it has a battery in it. It probably sets the heartbeat and then sends electricity up through your neck and head and into your hair. It’s like inner static electricity or something.”

“Oh my,” she gasped, “I never thought of that. You’re right! That’s the only thing that makes sense!”

Thus began the mystery we are now attempting to unravel. You see, we need solid evidence, rather than mere logic, to confirm what we already know to be true. So, my mother diligently scribed an inquiry to the manufacturers of her pacemaker to determine whether the device implant can be scientifically proven to have caused the hair response.

Of course, she was thrilled to receive the following response:

“Good Afternoon Ms B,
In response to your website inquiry concerning the affect that ablation therapy and the implantation of a pacemaker may have had on causing your hair to become curly; This is a question I would have to direct you to your physician, or hair specialist, to answer. I conferred with 2 colleagues whose work focuses on patient issues/concerns and neither one of them had heard of this before. I hope you are able to have your questioned answered.
Have a Good Day,
M. Albertson”

Hmmm…those crafty pacemaker makers are unambiguously ambiguous. Seems they aren’t willing to commit themselves to a definitive position.

Therefore, I have no other option but to intervene and draft a further inquiry of my own on my mother’s behalf:

“Dear M. Albertson,
Thank you so much for your prompt response regarding my recent inquiry. As you are aware, my hair has evidently responded in a manner that leads me to logically believe your innovative pacemaking device may serve a dual purpose. Anyone with thin, sparse hair may be interested in an elective procedure to ensure thicker, livelier locks. In this economy, it would only behoove you to seek additional revenue streams. Perhaps some of these Hollywood-types would find a zippier “do” to be all the rage. Ch-ching. Ch-ching. Therefore, I am writing to inform you that I would be more than happy to meet with one of your hair specialists to investigate this matter further.
Again, thank you so much for your assistance and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Mrs. B”

My mother and I will be anxiously awaiting further correspondence and, in the meantime, we’re really beginning to see the greater good in this whole pacemaker incident.